Appreciating Your Spouse's Differences

Anger cut through me like a knife. It was the middle of the night—technically, the morning—and our new puppy woke me up by making a huge mess. Without getting into details, she obviously ate something that didn’t agree with her and I was convinced the smell would never come out of the carpet.

The injustice dominated my thoughts. I didn’t want a dog, much less a puppy. It was my wife Tara’s doing. Yet, there I was cleaning the carpet while my wife blissfully slept the night away.

A few days later, Tara and I had our end-of-month finance conversation. If that sounds boring, then you’re like my wife. She hates it. During the conversation, Tara reminded me that tracking expenses and talking about money is something she does for me, not her.

It was disheartening to hear. I didn’t want her to do anything to placate me. I wanted her to choose to care, even though it’s not her thing.

You probably noticed the hypocrisy faster than me.

Here I was holding onto my image as a guy who has no time or interest in pets while wishing my wife would adopt my interests. I wanted her to embrace what I cared about while I couldn’t bring myself to accept what was important to her.

Through a grace that unfolded over a few days, it became clear that what I thought was a harmless difference in taste—she liked pets and I didn’t—was an insidious barrier to intimacy. I had not accepted the situation. I wished reality was different. I harbored resentment.

The next steps were obvious but painful. I had to name and let go of the hurt behind what I felt—resentment doesn’t just happen—and accept reality.

I was lucky, though. Not only could I accept reality, I could embrace it. I’m not a pet person by nature, but I chose to be one anyway. Today, my wife will tell you I’m that dog’s favorite human!

Spouses have differences and make choices that affect us. Some are quirky and weird. Some are merely inconvenient. A few may have wounded us.

We don’t have to be enthusiastic about them. We don’t even need to affirm or approve them. But, we do need to be on guard against resentment. Those differences and choices are part of our reality. Honesty demands that we accept them.

What does your spouse value that isn’t “your thing?” Are you confident you’ve accepted reality without resentment? What's holding you back from deciding that if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em? After all, they’re going to be your spouse til death do you part!

Having pets has been much more fun since I chose them for myself instead of thinking they were pushed on me. What could you embrace to make yourself, and your spouse, a little happier?