How to Build a Family Culture

“Anyone up for a game?” I asked optimistically. It was early evening and I didn’t have anything pressing. What a good opportunity for some quality family time.

No response. Everyone had settled into their own thing. Books, shows, and random household tasks. I shrugged and shoveled some laundry from the dryer into a basket. I could wait.

A few minutes passed and my son wandered by and asked if I wanted to play some basketball in the driveway. I looked at the half-full basket of clothes and told him I just wanted to finish this. A few folded towels later I found him occupied in a video game. I figured if I couldn’t beat ‘em I’d join ‘em and picked the novel I was partway through.

Another evening passed with a house full of individuals quietly missing each other.

The culture of our family had eroded without my noticing. When our kids were small it was easy to spend time together. We had virtually everything in common. Our kids’ main social group were their siblings and parents.

That’s not the case anymore.

Our oldest two kids have jobs that take up a ton of time and, of course, their schedules rarely align. Our kids have instrument practice, drama practice, strength training, sports camps, and summer school. They want to spend time with their friends (which often requires a parental taxi service).

Our kids are changing. They’re seeing things and meeting people. They’re taking steps into a world much bigger than our home, their school, or the Church. Each of them is processing this differently.

Tara and I are even more busy. We both work plenty, my role as a deacon takes me out of the house, our kids have to get to all of their appointments and activities somehow, and we have our side activities to stay sane. After all, I’m finding time to write this.

Is it any wonder that this house full of people who love each other and want to spend time together struggles to make it happen? Free time has become a coveted luxury. We all spend it differently and we all get it rarely. Family movies or game nights sounded like one more obligation.

Our family identity, our culture, was fading. What could Tara and I do?

Start with Why

It was tempting to jump into action. Schedule Family Fun Nights and pull kids out of optional activities. This probably wouldn’t result in much more than confusion and resentment.

Instead, we started with why.

Our kids had to be part of the conversation. They had to hear our thoughts on our family situation. They had to have opportunities to share what they saw and felt.

But, before discussing what we would do or how we would do it, we needed to get on the same page about why we would make change in the first place.

After Tara and I compared notes and got aligned, we used restaurants and drives—times when our family was together and no one could wander off—to talk with our children.

Thankfully, we all agreed that our family culture was worth fighting for. We agreed we needed to sacrifice some of our time to rebuild our culture.

Define Success

Next, we decided what success looked like. This may sound like a boring corporate meeting instead of a family meal at a chain restaurant, but that would be a huge mistake.

We all agreed that we weren’t spending enough time together, but we all had our own idea of what should be done. We had to settle on one definition of success.

Some of us like movies the most. Others think games are great. But, that didn’t matter. Because the purpose of being together was to strengthen our family culture, it didn’t matter much what we actually did together.

Instead, we defined success as interacting in a positive way. Competition is fine, but we agree to be easy in trash talking. We all understood that whatever game we play, movie we watch, or other activity we do may not be someone’s favorite. The point isn’t to be entertained by the activity. The point is to deepen our culture.

Set Priority

It’s all well and good to have a nice conversation, but this blog started with a description of how busy we are. Good intentions have to be followed with disciplined action or they don’t do anything.

We agreed that family time is more flexible than external commitments. But, family time is less flexible than free time or activities with friends. Once we pick a time to spend together, it’s our collective priority.

These are usually informal like “Let’s basketball in the driveway after dishes” or “we’re saving the world in Pandemic at 7 tonight. Be at the table on time or the horrific death of humanity will be all your fault.” A little guilt does wonders, right? Sometimes, we have to schedule further in advance, but we are intentional about setting aside time and following through.

Conclusion

A family’s culture is defined by much more than a weekly movie night. It’s not what we do that’s important, it’s why we do it. All of us agree that family relationships are worth effort and sacrifice. All of us agree that spending time with our family is more important—but easier to schedule—than work or other activities.

We wouldn’t skip work, play practice, or strength training just because we felt like it. We don’t skip family time, either.

The open secret is that building or destroying family culture happens every time we interact. The activity we do together is a concentrated dose of the ideal. It’s a model that shows us how to act all the time. Focused time together is meant to help us interact in a more positive way all the time.

We’re still figuring this out. We still have our evenings where we all miss each other. We all still need our downtime and we’re still busy. But, we know we’re in this together. We’re not drifting apart, we’re rowing in the same direction. And, because family time is a priority, we don’t have to wait for the stars to align before we spend time together.