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I Am Enough!

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(Disclaimer: This will be a blog post that is fully personal and I plan to be quite vulnerable with you all. This is about our faith journey and what we have learned...so here goes!)   

 

How many of you are like me?  Every morning I wake up and one of the first things I do is step on the scale.  I have been told by many that this is a healthy habit..."If you want to stay on top of your weight, weigh yourself every day!"  However, even healthy habits can become seriously unhealthy...especially when your me!  I have a tendency to take things a bit to far.  I can get extreme.  For me, the number that reflects back to me each morning represents how my day is going to go.  If the number is down, I'm happy and spend very little time thinking about my weight the rest of the day.  If the number is up, I become angry and frustrated.  I feel unlovable and I berate myself all day long.  This is not an exaggeration...this is sadly, my reality.  

All of my life I have struggled with weight.  When I graduated high school I weighed more than 300 pounds.  (Wow!  Did I really just say that on a public blog? Yes, yes I did!)  I was so unhealthy and felt so unloved.  I felt alone and found comfort in food, thus my weight continued to increase.  Of course I had friends, but most of the friends I had in high school were surface friends who did not know the pain I carried on my shoulders everyday.  I had never been told by anyone other than my mom that I was beautiful.  I longed to hear that just once by someone who didn't "have" to say it.  As I went away to college I met new people, yet felt completely alone still.  Thus, food continued to comfort me.  My weight continued to increase.  At my highest weight (350 pounds) I remember my dad asking me to go to lunch to talk. (Ironic that we went to lunch for the following conversation!)  He shared with me that he was concerned about me and that my weight had gotten out of hand.  He wanted me to start taking care of myself.  He shared that he loved me and wanted the best for me.  However, what I heard is, "Tara, you are fat, unhealthy, and unlovable!  Of course, he did not say that nor did he want me to hear that, but alas, it is what it is.  

When I was 24 years old I decided that I did need to make some changes in my life.  In that year I consciously ate healthy, gave up regular soda, exercised and I lost over  150 pounds.  My parents were ecstatic, my friends noticed and kept saying how good I looked and yes during this time I heard that I was beautiful for the first time from someone who wasn't related to me.  However, let me tell you a secret...I still wasn't happy.  I didn't see a change in myself.  I looked in the mirror and saw the same "fat" girl staring back at me.  

The weight loss and attention reinforced what I had been taught.  To be lovable and beautiful you have to be skinny! (Note:  I was not skinny, I will never be skinny...but I was no longer considered obese on the BMI chart.)  Beauty does come from the number on the scale...the smaller the number the more beautiful and lovable you are!  This message was reinforced my entire life...our world is so superficial.  I knew in my heart that beauty had nothing to do with my body, that my heart and soul mattered too, but the damage of only being told I was beautiful when I weighed less was already done.  

What I heard was I was not beautiful at 350 pounds...I was only beautiful at 190.  If I don't stay at 190 I will be unlovable.  I will no longer be beautiful.  Nobody will want to be around me.  I will be lonely! 

I know that all of these thoughts above are not of God...they are of the devil. UGH, talk about a terrible self-image. The devil knows my weakness and he plays on them every...single...day!  Talk about exhausting!  To combat, I ask God multiple times a day to help me love myself and to be able to see me as the beautiful creation he created me to be.  My prayer:  "Help me see you with Your eyes, Lord!"  

For the last 22 year I have traveled up and down in my weight.  I stay within a 20 pound range...(except when I was pregnant with our first baby...I gained an awful lot of weight with her) and I should be proud of my accomplishment.  My goal was to be healthier and have a better quality of life.  I have achieved just that.  I still work each day and each season of my life and some seasons are more difficult.  

Today, God and I work very hard at being joyful regardless of the number that is on the scale.  I know all of the fundamental truths in my life.  I am aware that the number on the scale means absolutely nothing about the person that I am.  I know that I am worthy of love.  I have no doubt that there are people who love me and think I am beautiful...even people who are not my mom.  I know that when I wake up and step on the scale I should not let that number dictate my day.  I've got all the right answers...it's believing those answers in my heart.  One day I know I will be able to see myself with the eyes of God because God is a God of miracles and I know he will not give up on me...and guess what...I won't give up on me either.  

If you struggle with self image...trust me...You ARE Enough!  You ARE Beautiful!  You ARE Loved!


 


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